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My journey through USMLE STEP 1

 So a few months to final prof , I got this sudden realisation from heavens that my life didn't feel as trash as of a final yearer is . People used not to attend lectures while me who thought that the admin gonna debar me and me alone if I missed even a single lecture of that radiologist which doesn't even count in credit hours. So those empty seats in lecture theaters made me extremely curious of what phd they might be doing at homes . One day me and my friend shared our thoughts of doing USMLE STEP 1. With this thought I realized that I can only be serious if I had spent some money on it . I bought uworld a day before buying First AID and I still hail myself for this decision . This was one good thing I did. Doing few chapters of first aid and then buying uworld or doing offline uworld ,...nah ... not very good ideas . So I started on it . The other good thing I did was I didnot tell anyone , in friends or family about it , untill very near to exams . Extracting 5-6 Lacs for...
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To , The precious younger me

 First of all ,  I am very proud of you for growing up with no trauma and for giving me a profession I am proud of .  Though it makes me sad sometimes when I can't remember how did you use to think , what did that little brain hoped for , what did that joyful heart desired to have in years to come . What perceptions about the world you hold sacred .                      But to come to think of , I still remember , yes , it's still very fresh in my mind , how you used to adore your imaginary forest residing closed to your house which was nothing but just far fetched trees appearing clustered when viewed from your roof , how you used to see leave laden trees from train and thought of them as jungle , that image of the first jungle you actually saw in Gujarat , that beautiful river dancing in rain and those wild, screaming to crush , rivers at head trimu and your inner suppressed desire to do something daring and mad , y...
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It is who for whom it was written will give the title....(A constellation of Turbulent thoughts)

 .... As I came to the roof top and glanced the sky , by glance I do not mean looking for a few minutes, when I look at a piece of nature, I have to look long enough for my existence to melt and merge into the reality of the other , for me to feel every photon of its presence inside me as I inhale and exhale, for my eyes to abort and erase each cent of memory they already have about the thing in view , to see it as if they are "seeing it for the first time".I looked around. Perhaps her sky resides in more beautiful surroundings than mine,a random thought struck my mind. Was it the ultimate diffusal of stress the brain was burdened under, which made everything so gorgeous, for her and for me also.  Should I write about those 3 stars, descended from heavens, placed flawlessly equidistant from each other, so still , as if trying not to disturb the tranquility the sky was providing to the chaosed minds of earthlings, "Does their symmetry hold the keys to the secrets of someo...
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Corners of Nishtar ..

 I know heart must flutter when one is about to get detached, if not detached, distant atleast, from something he has been close to . But when I was asked of how I felt in those last days of college, I felt nothing. Neither was my heart stuffed with any tightness nor did my brain sensed any upcoming distress . I was also not in the clan of "I have been dragged and put into this confinement without my will. Thank God this is ending for I cant wait to leave this hell and get the taste of real heaven outside " . As I said, I was indifferent. I felt nothing. I didnt pay any heed to it. I prefer leaving myself untouched when I am having my episodic temporary phlegmatic state of living in the real world with a dream like constitute.  But I can say that Nishtar has been a peace to me. A place or a person who gets you unwind the tensed wires of your mind and heart and convey a sense of peace is Home. Its called home, Right! Night walks on The Road inside Nishtar is one of the things ...
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But he is a man!

 BUT HE IS A ‘MAN’! After spending the whole day ,  venting out my frustration by fiercely speaking about how my society and your society never bothered helping oppressed gender aka girls, grow wings, and fly and get the taste of broad blue skies ,I was casually walking across the road as I saw him. I saw him . My eyes stopped right into his eyes and through his eyes I collapsed and fell deep into some unknown dark pit.       He was sitting by a wall near a giant trash trunk on the freezing  road, half blurred by fog half by darkness and half by unknown sadness. Legs drawn closer to chest with head resting on folded knees as if it was too heavy for that friable soul to hold it up . Head was tilted to one side and so were the eyes. Even in that darkness I figured something pouring down from his dry empty eyes, across his cheek and making a mark across  dirt laden beautifully crafted face. . A person, who looked like an old discarded mannequin ,arou...
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Tours to village

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          One day, I'll be an old lady telling my grandchildren the stories about how I had a perfect childhood just because it had an annual tour to village and may be getting slowly yet suddenly detached from that village was a perfect disaster in itself for I would have never realized how intensely my soul could crave for such apparently petty things as sitting in a mud houses on a charpai under a keekar tree and drwaing paintings with a wooden stick on soil underneath my feet .I would never have realized that even beauties of Kashmir would never be a replacement to that beauty of Punjab.         My sane mind has no idea how those days got lost . For it still craves those restless sleepless nights a day before going to village, excitements of boarding a train and unnecessary childish fear of missing it and then riding donkey cart to ultimately reach that humbled small mud house . How that wooden half broken half mended door was the mo...
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Calling...

 Did I miss my calling or I never had one and what if I never will have ?" My fragile useless heart went down with the mere thought of Universe being indifferent to me. Universe wanted nothing from me .Test me ,torment me or tear me apart but One thing us humans cannot bear is indifference . It steps down and seeps into veins like slow painful poison. Getting up everyday with this pain makes each step unbearably heavy, it is as if those steps openly refuse to lift the weight of a body that is or considers itself useless.  But the mind , my giant cruise , resisted to collapse in the cyclones of thoughts. It started giving justifications and there arose a fight between two non-existing yet the most dominating persons inside me .          While reading 'Paul Kanithi's When breath becomes air' , both awed and inspired, I became,  suddenly, out of nowhere extremely jealous of him. He was going to be a neurosurgeon which is what I solely desire, but som...
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