Calling...

 Did I miss my calling or I never had one and what if I never will have ?"

My fragile useless heart went down with the mere thought of Universe being indifferent to me. Universe wanted nothing from me .Test me ,torment me or tear me apart but One thing us humans cannot bear is indifference . It steps down and seeps into veins like slow painful poison. Getting up everyday with this pain makes each step unbearably heavy, it is as if those steps openly refuse to lift the weight of a body that is or considers itself useless. 

But the mind , my giant cruise , resisted to collapse in the cyclones of thoughts. It started giving justifications and there arose a fight between two non-existing yet the most dominating persons inside me . 

        While reading 'Paul Kanithi's When breath becomes air' , both awed and inspired, I became,  suddenly, out of nowhere extremely jealous of him. He was going to be a neurosurgeon which is what I solely desire, but somehow knew that I will never pursue, he got the motivation he needed in his very early years of med school. While I felt nothing, my fire has gone cold long ago or perhaps medicine never burnt a single flame inside me .No urge to save humanity. There might be other ways to do it, but medicine never felt the route one for me.

                  But !!,I have never been in any life and death situation, the kind of situation where universe uses your hands to snatch the life out of someone , and you are left with remorse and guilt and hatred for yourself . The kind of situation which squeezes the spirit out of you , wrings out ,with utmost brutality all the colors of deranged craziness and paints you in a cold beautiful madness that is just dark or snowy. Which removes the facade , and the same eyes,  in the same surroundings encounters new streets, new version of humans , new meaning of emotions. I was waiting exactly for this type of miraculous moment. But deep inside, a voice mocked at me by saying do you even want it . Deep inside I knew that it would also fail, like all other things, but once I had encountered it, there would be nothing left. I was decepting my own mind,one thing, I so easily, proudly and often do.

  But perhaps my mind surrenders itself without a bit of struggle to this deception because it knows it carries no strength to be rebellious , has got no guts to pursue what it may actually desire if it is to give itself liberation to openly and desperately desire, without any constraints, without any fear. Keeping what one wants below the level of realization is one way to suffer less. It was never as brave as those who waste their lives, talent or still unearned fame, who are selfish and just live for their heart's peace.