Losing someone or losing someones memories......

                Every death feels sudden no matter how long it took by dead to finally get relieved from the pangs of disease. They say , first night after losing someone is the hardest, I would say , first night is the easiest ,comparing with the  nights 'the left behind person' is now going to endure. The first night is spent in an unconscious ecstatic dream , brain still in some delusive contentment , tongue still uttering the prayers for the health. Then slowly ,  brain starts understanding what has actually happened, starts accepting the trauma that has been fed into it. The real bleeding starts . Grief starts consuming you day by day. Days are spent in the agony of hearing again and again and again how the dead beloved spent his last moments, how he somehow already knew about the impending doom. Then come the nights , the torturous agonizing nights, when  the pain gets so ugly that you roll yourself, bringing your body parts close to each other to help ease the pain ripping your bones apart,  but to no vain. You finally let go the struggle, giving away the liberty to shatter you , be it your own loneliness or the shared loneliness the dead one is feeling in that dark scary grave.

          You have lived 3 or 4 years without the dead.  You miss them but now the ache of abandonment is being replaced by the ache of regrets . I should have spared a few more minutes for that phone call, I should have left the argument that day before he broke down due to argument, should have talked first after the fight for he was so sure I couldnt spend a day staying angry with him, should have bought him the dress he so badly desired. Time passes. Now you dont go through the same memory lane daily . The memories feeling betrayed by you have now started leaving your memory circuit. One day walking across a street , someone makes you remember the lost beloved, you try to remember all those good memories you had with them, but realize they are all blurred , fuzzy. But why ? You subconsciously desire that how good would it be if you can print out the remaining memories so these can stay with you forever . And then another day ,even after pressurising your mind a lot, you cant remember the face, the face that you once so adored, the face which was once a sunshine to your dark and rain to your parched wilted days. Have I really loved him? Was the love strong enough? Was I really broke on his death or was it actually all fake ? Honoring his memories was my utmost responsibility, but I even failed at this..

The grieve sicken blood still runs through the veins, the heart still sinks on hearing the name , the void in the life still persists, the ears still crave desperately to hear him call your name once, you still dont have the courage to throw away his things from the closets neither to use them.

 Once you had a full cassette of memories to cherish with the wine of pain but now its  pain and pain only. You once desired to have forgotten him because pain was too much to bear. Now you have got that!